strange titles

My mother sent me a link to a bbc news story about strange book titles with this note:

h, if you decide to write a book, all you may need is a quirky title.

The top honors of the “odd title prize” went to The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification, but I think the best of the top three is Better Never To Have Been: The Harm of Coming Into Existence. Of the previous years’ winners, Living with Crazy Buttocks is a personal favorite.

forget my recent endeavor to write a good article or book. apparently all i need to wow several thousand people is a weird title. i’ve got a few i’m working on, but if you want to contribute any, i’d love to hear them.

dirty diapers and desire

My friend Kay sent me this email today:

 

Type that into google and you get this recent article. You can’t miss this one…

diaper arrest

The most impressive part:

“Captain Nowak, 43, was wearing a trench coat and wig when she was arrested early Monday morning. She told the police she had worn diapers on the journey so that she would not have to stop to use the restroom so she could arrive in time to meet Captain Shipman’s flight at the airport.”

I just want to know what was going through her mind as she was wetting herself during her drive? “My, I’m so smart… good thing I thought of wearing diapers, sure did get me arrested faster than it otherwise would have… I work for NASA… I’m such a genius… I mean afterall, going to the bathroom takes WAY too much time.” Unbelievable.

Wow.

For a woman smart enough to be an astronaut, it she’s lacking a good bit of knowledge about things like diaper rash or rest stops, or fast food joints or the ease of just pulling over, pulling down one’s drawers and throwing modesty to the wind – all of which take, oh, about 2 minutes. But maybe astronauts wear diapers all the time. Peeing without gravity after all would be an interesting experience.

The real question I have about all of this though is not why the heck Nancy wore diapers on her voyage but why the heck my friend Kay Googled dirty diapers.

i love jesus, but I drink a little

I hope I am this entertaining when I’m 88.

#4: how not to get over your ex-lover

#4. Keep your ex-lover’s phone number on speed dial.

Two days ago, I finally decided I would no longer initiate contact with my ex-lover. I felt empowered. I felt free. I even felt kind of cool. Then yesterday, while I was walking home, I called her.

It was an accident. I meant to call my brother-in-law whom I had removed from speed dial several months ago to make room for her. So I pressed 4 and patiently waited while the phone rang. He wasn’t picking up, so in my mind I started composing the voice message I would leave. Voice mail picked up. It wasn’t my brother-in-law’s voice. It was hers.

I pulled the phone away from my ear in shock and promptly disconnected. All my best laid plans not to contact her were foiled by my phone and my stupidity. I hadn’t taken her number off speed dial. What’s worse is that I’d somehow totally forgotten I’d put it on speed dial in the first place. I felt deflated. I felt cretinous. I felt totally uncool. Then I started to laugh.  When I got to my house I did what I should have done weeks ago. I took her off speed dial and put my brother-in-law back.

And now, a day after my dumb deed, I am trying to just keep laughing.